I’ve been thinking about saying sorry lately. And how often we do it…or let me say, how often I do it. I notice people around me say it all the time as well. Before I get into this too deep, let me say that I’m big on taking responsibility for things. I think that when controversy or arguments happen, I believe there are always two sides and two people who play a part. I really appreciate when people are self-aware enough to know that.
But I digress. I’m not talking about true self-reflecting apologies. I’m talking about the I’m sorry that jumps out of your mouth at any point in time when you… bump into someone… or when there’s a miscommunication and someone mis-heard you and then we apologize… You know what I’m talking about, I’m sure you do it or know someone who does. I find myself wanting to say a rule of “No more apologizing in this conversation” when I am around someone who is constantly apologizing!
Unfortunately, this tends to happen more with women, though I’m sure men do it too. My theory on that 1- its part of our social construct that allows women to be more emotional and vulnerable and 2- that its also part of an old patriarchal paradigm where women are supposed to apologize for any type of mishap. It turns out that there is some psychological basis for apologizing, so we don’t have to go all out against societal constructs (at least for now, another day perhaps!)
I bring this all up because I can be a compulsive apologizer. And what I didn’t know is that the basis of compulsive apologizing is anxiety. Yes, I am aware that I often have anxiety, but I’m not always aware of the way it manifests!
When you constantly are reevaluating yourself or a situation on what you could have done better or said differently… “I should have stepped there, so that guy wouldn’t have bumped into me.” “I should not have spoken so fast, then she would have been able to understand me.” And on and on my little anxious head goes. Let me know if you relate- here are a few things I often find myself apologizing for:
Being too emotional
Texting too much
Teaching yoga, misstep in words or cueing
Overcommunicating
Talking at the same time as someone else
Being too forthright
For apologizing so much
If your head isn’t spinning with my apologies by now, I know mine is! Apologizing, per Susan Heitler, a Denver-based psychologist and author of Prescription without Pills, explains it as a learned behavior that has been utilized to stay safe. The “spotlight effect” is a psychological sense that others around us are noting our failures on a continual basis and this plays into constant apologizing, stemming as well from potentially from low self-esteem.
Do we want to be SAFE all the time? Well, yikes, it’s covid, so let me rephrase. Is “playing it safe” really the best way to handle ALL things in life? Doesn’t just about every self-help, inspirational author/person/motivational person say to live your passion, go with your gut? Meaning DON’T play it safe? Yes, I like to be obvious and overly dramatic. (insert funny face emoji here)
On the other hand, narcissistic people RARELY ever say sorry, per Susan Heitler. So, there is a balance to be found. When done correctly, apologies can be extremely healthy. Heitler calls the two-sided apologies I spoke of earlier as bi-lateral, where both partners recognize their role in conflict and are signs of a highly functional relationship. She goes on to say that apologies also can be predictors of a strong relationship that can self-correct, learn and grow… and basically heal.
I love presenting both sides of something. But it can be a lot to digest. Here’s the finale, this behavior can be amended. Thoughts produce our words. Our words provoke our actions and reinforce our thinking. It’s a lovely little vicious loop. Like any behavior we need to change, we start with awareness. At some point this behavior has become reflexive and our frontal lobe, responsible for reasoning, has been bypassed and we just act, straight stimulus-response here. We bring our frontal lobe online by being aware, first and foremost. That gives us the ability to stop when the behavior is happening or just happened. We can then think it over and say to ourselves, “Am I really sorry? Do I need to apologize about this?” And then later you can dig a little deeper. Let’s try these thoughts out:
“I don’t want to be seen as “sorry” all the time, or tripping over myself to make a situation better.”
“I am confident in how I enter the world and will apologize when it is truly something I regret.”
So we start there. We start with making a commitment to ourselves to not be “sorry” all the time. We are a GIFT to the world! No matter who you are, I truly believe that. I challenge you for the rest of the week to not say sorry for the little things… save those sorrys for when you really have regret and like it was said earlier, are in a space for self-correcting, growing, learning and healing. Don’t waste your sorrys either, when they happen, which they will (change doesn’t happen overnight) take a look at what’s going on with you. Ask yourself why you feel anxiety.
Good luck. I’m counting on a whole lot LESS apologizing out there and a lot MORE growing.
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